Hey, kid, get down! Get down!
Billy, I'm hit!
I'm coming for you. Just keep your head down.
I'm coming.
[Incoming Shell]
Billy? Billy?
- Billy? Billy! - [Gunfire]
- [Explosion] - Medic! Medic!
- Hey, how bad is it? - You'll make it.
Come on. I want to know how bad it is.
Okay, let's get him on the litter!
Take it easy. You'll be all right.
- How about the kid? - He'll be fine.
- W-Was he hurt bad? - Iodine and Band-Aids.
- Thank God. - You're welcome.
Hey, watch it.
Go on, kill 'em! Th-That's it! Boy.
Fight 'em in there. Go get 'em.
Hey, Klinger. Get the big guy. He's from the 8063rd.
- And ruin my hat? - This is fightin', Klinger. You're an American.
But this is Korea... Ooh!
You don't like it here, why don't you go back where you came from?
Why do you think I'm wearing this dress?
[Jet Passing Overhead]
Listen, this is a battalion aid station, not Walter Reed.
I got a sergeant here who looks pretty bad. He can't take an ambulance trip.
- Send the chopper now! - [Gunfire And Explosions In Distance]
- He'll need another shot of morphine for the ride. - [Incoming Shell]
Let up on that tourniquet every 20 seconds.
Must have cut your leg on something, huh, Tyler?
Look, Doc, there's nothing missing on me, is there?
- I'm still in one piece, right? - You're fine.
- There ain't nothin' gone? - Relax. You're still in one piece.
Welcome to MASH. The boy will take your luggage.
If you tip him, you may even get it back.
- Look at that leg. Yuck! - Don't mind him. He's a leg man.
Give him a unit of whole blood and prep him.
Frank, you ever heard of patient morale?
- I'm a doctor, not an entertainer. - You had me fooled.
- Didn't you think he was a comic? - He's got everybody in stitches...
- whether they need them or not. - Aw, chowderheads.
That man's a foreigner. I'm not operating on him.
Believe it or not, this is your lucky day.
Hey, Hawkeye, you know who that is over there?
- Eleanor Roosevelt? - No, that's Billy Tyler.
- You mean the Billy Tyler? - Yeah.
Incredible. Who's Billy Tyler?
You know, the All-American running back from Iowa.
Tied the Big Ten rushing record for a single season. Surefire star for the pros.
Did you swallow a radio announcer?
Everyone in Iowa knows Billy Tyler.
- Geez, is he hurt bad? - He ain't hurt good.
Hey, Captain Pierce, I got another casualty here.
- That's Kornhaus. - What team does he play for?
He's the cook's assistant.
- What happened? - There was a fight in Rosie's Bar.
- This war's getting dangerous. - What's going on here?
Frank, this is P.F.C. Kornhaus, the cook's assistant.
- He slipped and cracked his head open on some Jell-O. - Jell-O?
- Dr. Pierce, it's time to wash your hands. - Oh, is supper ready?
Must be. There's a table waiting for you in O.R.
Jokes, jokes, jokes. And you call yourselves doctors?
- Only when we're sick. - Take care of him, Frank.
[Groans] Next time you get near Jell-O, wear your helmet.
Doc. Before you put me under...
tell me... what are you gonna do?
- Our very best. - Is that gonna be good enough?
We come highly recommended.
- And besides, we're the only game in town. - I want it straight.
How bad am I?
You'll make it, Sergeant.
- Will the leg? - We'll do everything we can.
Doc, please.
If you can't save the leg, don't save me.
Hey, Klinger. You know where our cook is? He's in pre-op.
- Better there than in the kitchen. - It's because of you.
- I wasn't in the fight. - I noticed. Afraid to get your dress wrinkled?
- You can't wrinkle this. It's nylon. - I oughta punch you in the nose.
- Your fist isn't big enough. - I can't stand any guy that won't fight for his outfit.
I was fighting for my outfit. I didn't want to tear it.
You're a weak-kneed, chickenhearted jellyfish!
- You're a fat-necked, lily-livered blowhard! - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! - Will you listen?
- What is it? - I'm getting squished.
[Gas Hissing]
- [Potter] Can you work any faster? - [Hawkeye] I'm already playing the "Minute Waltz" in 30 seconds.
Lousy peripheral pulse.
Can you find another graft, Hawk? That vein you're hooking up to seems awfully narrow.
- This is the best one he's got left. - You have enough five-oh silk?
I got plenty of everything but patient.
I wish I had your sense of humor, Doctor.
I wish I did too.
Gentlemen and lady, we have a true hero with us today.
Sit down, Kornhaus. A man with true esprit de corps.
A man who knows what troop morale really means.
- Burns, do me a favor. - Anything, sir.
Stick a handful of retractors in your mouth.
But, Colonel, Kornhaus went to bat for the honor of the 4077 th.
He may be a little bloody, but you ought to see the other guy. Right, Kornhaus?
- Naw, he looks pretty good. - Yeah, I'll bet.
You're okay, Kornhaus. Well, you're in good hands. Just a little Mercurochrome.
This isn't gonna sting, is it, Doc?
Soldier, it's gonna hurt me more than you.
Frank's so clumsy, he's probably right.
Colonel, will you tell Pierce not to call me clumsy in front of Major Houlihan?
[Potter] It's too late, Burns. She already knows.
- [B.J.] Boy, this is tough. - [Hawkeye] One of the toughest.
This place is a mess. [Chuckles]
Get it? A mess? I made a joke. [Chuckles]
- So did your father. - No, I mean it's really a mess.
Why don't you and the nurses decorate it up a little?
- In war, Frank, decorations belong on a soldier's chest. - That's true.
Like my fiance, Colonel Penobscott...
a soldier's soldier, a fighter.
Oh, yeah? You want to see a fighter? I'll show you a fighter.
- Zale. - Yes, sir?
- Tell the major about Rosie's Bar. - Huh?
You know, how you defended the honor of the 4077 th with your fists.
Ah, I didn't need no fists. I use these. I'm great at eye gouging.
[Chuckles] An eye gouger. An animal.
- And he takes orders from me. - [Scoffs]
What are you doin' here, Zale? This is where people eat.
- Beat it. I'll give you 10 seconds. - You can't count that high.
You sold out your own buddies, Benedict Arnold.
- Excuse me. Mrs. Benedict Arnold. - I accept your apology.
- Come on. Move it. - Watch it.
I wouldn't want to get you mad or nothin'.
Good. 'Cause when I get pushed, I get sore.
- You like mashed potatoes? - Yeah.
Good. Have mine!
Thanks. Here. Here's some lemon pie!
[Yelling]
- Make them stop, Frank! - [Crashing]
- Or are you afraid? - Oh, come on, guys. Stop it!
- [Frank] Please? - [Grunting]
- They won't stop. - Ohh!
[Margaret] All right, knock it off! .
Knock it off!
There's no excuse for this sort of animal behavior, not even from enlisted.
Major, I'll handle this. All right, who started it?
- He did. - He did.
Well, we'll never get to the bottom of this. Shake hands and forget it.
Wait a second! Clean that up.
- Are you gonna let them off that easy? - What else can I do?
[Scoffs] Donald certainly wouldn't have handled it that way.
I'm not interested in how Donald would have handled it.
- How would he have handled it? - He'd make them fight it out.
- That's exactly what I was going to do. - Really?
Of course. All right, now listen, you two bozos.
Tomorrow, 1600 hours, near the latrine.
You're gonna put on the mitts, and we're gonna see who the best man really is.
Comprende? Good.
Now, the first man knocked unconscious will be the loser. Dismissed.
- Frank, that took real guts. - It did? Well, of course it did.
- Sometimes an officer has to break regulations. - What?
- Just make sure Colonel Potter doesn't hear about it. - Who's afraid of Colonel Potter?
1600 hours, he'll be exercising his horse. [Chuckles]
Besides, a man's got to be a man, or he's not a man.
The rule book may frown on it, Margaret, but war is war.
Did you take my raisin bun?
How you feeling, Billy?
That's a stupid question. You feel lousy.
No, I feel okay.
I mean, the leg hurts, but it's there.
So I feel pretty good.
Listen, Billy...
You know, I played a whole quarter against Michigan with a sprained ankle.
Hurt worse than this.
Listen, Billy. We tried, but the artery was just too busted up.
The operation didn't work.
We couldn't save it.
What do you mean?
I feel that leg, Doc. It's there.
No, that pain you think is in your leg is in your head.
It's called a phantom pain. It's just a leftover.
But it's there.
I'm not gonna listen to some phantom pain bull.
Oh, my God.
What did you guys do to me?
We had to, Billy.
You had no right. You had no right to do it.
Easy, Sergeant. Take it easy.
What's another leg or arm to you?
Billy, there was just too much damage.
- We did everything we could. - You didn't do enough.
- Listen, I know what you're going through. - No, you don't.
There's no way you could possibly know.
[Hawkeye] You're angry. I'd feel the same way if I were you.
You're not me.
Don't tell me how I should feel.
- Sergeant, you need your rest. - Why don't you try to get some sleep?
Why don't you go to hell?
- Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? - Yes.
- Come on. Which one? - Animal.
- A cold-blooded animal? - Yes.
- Then it's either a snake or Frank Burns. - Same thing.
You know, I never get used to it.
I always feel there's something more I should have done.
You did everything that was humanly possible.
I know how it's supposed to go for them.
Shock, anger, readjustment.
But all we ever see is the shock and the anger.
Hawk, look what you're doing. You're punishing yourself with guilt.
I think I'm having an identity crisis.
I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.
- [Knocks] - Excuse me, sirs. Am I disturbing you, sirs?
No. Come on in, Radar.
- You guys mind if I have a drink? - No, go ahead.
- I thought your liver was still a virgin. - Don't be silly. I'm a man.
[Gasps]
And you thought we enjoyed this stuff.
I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.
- Maybe I ought to take some over for Billy. - That's not what he needs.
I know. But, boy, he was such a great football player. What's he supposed to do now?
Radar, there's more to life than playing football.
I know, but gee.
I'd like to go over and talk to him in the morning, keep him company.
- Why don't you? - L-I just don't know what to say.
If you find the right words, let me know. I sure could use them.
Yes, sir.
- What are you doing here, pip-squeak? - I'm leaving, sir.
- Don't make excuses. Get out. - [Hawkeye] Frank, why don't you swallow your face?
- He did. That's why he looks that way. - What was he doing in here?
- Something you wouldn't understand, Frank. - He was talking intelligently.
- He was talking about me, wasn't he? - Oh, gee, let me think.
Did Radar use the word "jerk"?
That rotten fink! He snitched. He spilled the beans, didn't he?
Yeah, he told us all about you.
And I set up that fight to be top secret.
Well, you did a good job till a couple of seconds ago.
If you rat on me, Klinger and Zale are gonna get in trouble too.
Why would we rat on you? A fight sounds like fun.
I like to see guys beat the hell out of each other. It makes you forget the war.
See, there are some things we can agree on. [Chuckles]
1600 hours, tomorrow, near the latrine.
The latrine. A perfect spot.
- Picked the site myself. - [Hawkeye] Figures, Frank.
The body goes where the mind is.
[Grunting]
- Klinger, are you keeping fit or having one? - Oh, uh...
- I missed calisthenics this morning, sir. - We don't have calisthenics.
No wonder I missed them.
Knock it off, Klinger. I know all about the fight. Where's Zale?
He's working out, two tents over.
Come with me, Princess.
- Does this mean we're going steady? - You're not exactly my type.
Tell the truth. It's my big nose, isn't it?
Your nose isn't too big. Your face is too small.
- Looks aren't everything, you know. - Easy for you to say.
[Slapping, Groaning]
- Zale? Zale! - Sir?
- What were you doing? - I was trying to tighten up the face muscles.
Tight face, loose brains.
- How would you like some loose teeth? - Hold it! Hold it!
- You two are a couple of real suckers. - What are you talking about?
- Whose idea was this fight? - Wasn't mine.
- Then it had to be somebody with less brains than the two of you.
Yes, sir. It was Major Burns.
Don't you see what he's doing?
He's getting you two to punch each other silly, so he can feel more like a man.
- You really think so? - Is Eisenhower bald?
Shake hands and bury the hatchet.
- Okay. Put your hand out and I'll shake it. - Put yours out first.
- After you. - Baloney! You put your hand out.
- I don't believe it. Two guys looking for a handout. - You afraid I'm gonna break it?
- You couldn't break an egg with a hammer. - I'll crack you.
Well, if you need any more help, please hesitate to call. Come on.
See you later, buzzard beak.
If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.
Go take a shower, Klinger. Cool off.
- Hawkeye! Hawk, you gotta come talk to Billy. - What's the matter?
- He wants out. - What are you talking about? He's getting out.
No, he wants out out.
He wants to be dead. He asked for some pills or something.
- [Sighs] - Damn.
- How you doing? - Not so good.
Word has it you want to retire... permanently.
You got it, Doc. They don't make football uniforms with one leg.
Yeah, you're right. Once you lose a leg, nothing works anymore.
Your eyes, your mouth, your hands, your brain. You might as well chuck it all.
Don't try to con me. Playing ball was all I had. It's the only thing I know.
- And without that, you're nothing. - Listen, I'm not stupid.
I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to stand on my own two feet.
Well, I can't do that anymore.
- [Sighs] Maybe you are stupid. - What?
If you think all you can do is play football, you have a pretty narrow view of life.
What were you gonna do when you turned 40?
I was gonna look back on a great career.
Well, now you're gonna have to look forward to something else.
Like what? The only thing I knew how to do was run.
You're still running, Billy.
Only now you're running away.
Sergeant, have you got a minute?
What is it, Corporal?
Uh, I got something I want to show you.
It's Life magazine.
There's an article in here on last year's Iowa-Minnesota game.
Oh, I just got it. The mail's a little slow, you know.
Look. There's a picture right here of you getting tackled.
Yeah. That was in the first quarter.
Were they wiping us up.
Yeah, I know. I listened to that game on Armed Forces Radio.
Boy, what a finish. I was sitting there screaming...
"Go, Iowa! Go, Tyler! Get 'em! Get 'em!"
That was one hell of a game.
Minnesota had us stopped dead.
What defense.
We couldn't move up the middle, and we couldn't go wide...
and whenever we went to the bomb, they intercepted.
I know. Iowa could hardly move the ball at all.
They had us stopped cold down to the last two minutes of the game.
So, we went to the short pass. Dumping quick ones just over the line.
And we slowly moved the ball down the field.
And then you dove over in the last 20 seconds.
It was those short passes that did it.
There's always a way to beat 'em.
You just have to keep trying till you find it.
- [Frank] Where's the ring announcer? - [Radar] Here, sir.
Will you hurry up?
- You nincompoop! - I'm sorry, sir. I was never very good at ropes.
- Make the announcement. - Yes, sir. [Clears Throat]
- Oh, bell. - [Clanking]
In this corner, wearing olive drab trunks from Brooklyn...
"Smile when you say that"... Sergeant "Killer" Zale.
- Hey! Yeah! - [Cheering]
Isn't this exciting, Major? People fighting, punching each other out?
Of course it isn't. I think it's barbaric.
- And you wouldn't miss it for the world. - Right.
- [Clanking] - And in this corner...
wearing pink pedal pushers, a polka-dot blouse and a swell cherry hat...
from Toledo, Ohio...
Corporal Max "I'll do anything to get out" Klinger!
[Cheering, Whistling]
Animals.
Okay, you guys know the rules. I want a nice, clean fight.
And if you can't do that, anything goes. You got that?
All right. Back to your corners and come out at the sound of the bell.
Be careful. I'd hate to see a nice outfit like that get ruined.
- Don't worry, Captain. We got it all worked out. - [Pot Clangs]
- I think that's for me. - It's not for me.
[All Yelling]
Aw, why don't they hit each other? They're just dancing around.
I think they went to the Arthur Murray school of boxing.
Come on, you guys. Mix it up! Throw some punches. That's an order.
Come on. Mix it up!
Come on. Fight, you bums!
- [Cheering, Yelling] - [Laughing]
- Frank sure knows how to put on a fight. - It was a knockout.
It just proves the old adage: "He who lives by the mouth gets punched in it."
- How old is that adage? - At least three or four seconds.
There we go.
Well, so long, Billy.
- I'm gonna miss talking to you. - Yeah.
I'm gonna miss you too, Walter.
- Billy and me call each other by our first names. - Did you make any decisions yet?
I decided to go to the short pass.
- Hey. - How's that?
I'll explain it to you later.
Oh, by the way, Doc, I know you did all you could.
Thank you.
Good luck, Billy.
You know something?
I think he's gonna be okay.
I hope so.
- What was that he said about the short pass? - It means he's gonna try.
Hey, Captain, what do you say we go over to Rosie's Bar and get a drink? My treat.
- Thanks, Radar. - Can you get drunk on grape Nehi?
I don't know. Let's find out.
- What happened? - Huh?
- What happened? - Of course I'm not happy. They hit me.
What do you want me to do? Kiss it and make it better?
I want Corporal Klinger and Sergeant Zale court-martialed.
- Will that get me out of here? - Out of here and into the stockade.
- One step too far. - If we go to the stockade, we're not going alone.
- You wouldn't dare, you freak! - Sticks and stones.
- Sir, what happens to officers who break regulations? - Several of them.
They get busted and thrown in the stockade.
It's up to you. Should we air our dirty lingerie in public, sir?
Uh, let's not. Colonel, permission to drop all charges.
Permission granted. Dismissed.
- I thought you handled that very well, sir. - What?
- He said you're an idiot, Major. - He said what?
I can't hear you.